Reveal: How To Make Better Decisions A Lesson I've Learned: My Diary Entry -  Exposed

Reveal: How To Make Better Decisions

Today was the day I learned about tough decisions, heartbreaks, laughter, and self-love.

It wasn't just an average day. It was pretty magnificent. However, it was so magnificent that it scared me. Today was the day I learned about tough decisions, heartbreaks, laughter, and self-love.

This writing is going to cover:

  • Tough decisions
  • Relationships (My relationship specifically)
  • The importance of gaining power over our pain.
  • Importance of achieving goals
  • Explain how being In-tune with yourself could change your life forever

Dear diary,

Today I had a meeting with a new family then I went to Washington I had a meeting this morning with a beautiful family. They needed help. I reached out to help them. It was a family that was broken, yet strong. The mother met with me and brought her 7 and 2-year-old girls. Unfortunately, her and her boyfriend (the father of the two-year-old) recently broke up. The mother works 12-hour shifts 5 days a week as a surgical technician in DC (45–50 min away from her house.) The older girl suffers from epilepsy and cognitive delays. She needed my help for 13 hours shifts for 6 days. As I was listening to her, I could feel her presence — a strong mother. It was so nurturing and kind. Reminded me of my mother.

If a stranger were to meet her they would have no idea.

However, from growing up and learning how hard it is to raise a family alone. How hard it is to remain strong when you are broken. It’s a power.

She has this power.

Here is what happened. She couldn’t afford me. She only had $300 to give me for 6 days/ 74 hours.

  1. As a businesswoman, this was absurd.
  2. As a nurse, I just wanted to reach out and help her.
  3. But, as a human, I knew that I had to pay my bills. I knew that I would be exhausted and I still would have the burden of my own endeavors. I had to thoughtfully decline.

She kept raising the price. Hesitant. Desperate. It broke a piece of me. The $5 an hour raised to $12. Which is reasonable. But in the back of my mind, I would be stealing from her. It wouldn’t be fair to her. In the other hand, she had 2 days to find someone new. I couldn’t throw her under the bus. I just couldn’t. I said okay I can help Monday. However, she found a replacement. I can’t imagine how much stress and anxiety she must have gone through after I declined. To find someone to help is magnificent. I was happy yet, I felt like I hurt her. I felt like I should have done something.

But sometimes in life you have to make decisions that may or may not hurt someone else.

You have to think about it from a 3rd person perspective. You need to be aware of the circumstances. She needed someone.

I knew I would work too hard. Then I would have burned my self out. So not only would I have made $300 I still wouldn't even afford to pay my insurance or car payments. Then I throw my self under the bus. Is this selfish? I don’t know. But, it hurt.

I am happy she found someone. Anyways, during this back and forth texting conversation on her needing help. I was standing next to a guy who makes me happier than chocolate, and chocolate is hard to beat. Especially how much I LOVE CHOCOLATE.

Anyways, he’s just so different than me, which is kind of amazing. Such as, his views, his way of thinking, his way of solving problems and working through things, are just out of this world. I thought I’d never been able to find someone to talk to who has a similar philosophical view of things. Who understands people and what’s going on around him.

Sounds pretty great. But, there are a few things that are not great. We are friends.

  • You know…Special friends.

  • Casual.

  • He travels.

  • He’s emotionally unavailable.

  • I can’t resist, with the hopes that he will someday open up.

However, how long does one have to stand by? How long does one live in limbo before they move on?

I am lost.

Mainly because one moment he talks like we are perfect. About how happy he is. He talks about doing things with me. (i.e. Going on adventures and traveling)

Then on the other hand in certain conversations. I maybe do or say something that he believes to be “a reason we are not a good match”

He said this today.

My heart dropped so low I think I may have lost it somewhere in my knees. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if my heart picked up its bags and left for vacation. I certainly would have.

I guess my insides decided to leave without me.

Standing there in the subway. I thought about us. Our memories of traveling and going on adventures. Our fun times. How happy I was. Then I thought. How long can I do this? How long can I hang out with someone who is so terrified of settling that they keep running?

I don’t know.

This is a question I need to ponder.

As I sit here in my car outside my house after a long beautiful day of ups and downs. I have the option to go inside pack and head to his hotel 2 hours away and go to Raleigh with him. (He got a new truck) or stay here.

I was very willing. But, doing what he does. he kept reminding me how long the drive would be and how much I’d be in the car. But (as he reminded me) he’d loooooove if I came.

(To be honest, when I care about someone it isn’t about how longgggg and boring they think it may be… The idea that I will be a part of something special in their life and the time spent with them will never be boring.)

Then again (And don't forget it) “the drive is going to be long”

After listening to what it seemed to be southern passive aggression. I lost interest, and the idea wasn’t appealing anymore.

I started to think about the situation holistically.

Placing my self from a 3rd person perspective.

I don’t want to be this “duckling” following him around hoping for some attention. (uh-huh, NO.)

I don’t want to be this useless woman who fights for a guy just so he can acknowledge her. Life isn’t about men. It isn’t about needing them or wanting them. (Tbh we have enough people in this world. The idea of men and women coming together to bring life –hate to break it to ya that’s soooo 2002.) I need to realize that if this guy wants me if he cares about me being around. I need to feel like I’m not this horrible person who doesn’t match with him. Who doesn’t do things right? Who annoys him. Who may or may not follow him around. Who he has power over.

(AGAIN, No thank you.)

I do not deserve it. I do not agree. I do not think it’s fair.

Life is rough. There are multiple paths we cross Multiple decisions we have to make daily Each word and action pulls my life in a new direction

I have no idea where I’m going from here.

I have no idea where life will take me. But I am ready to be challenged.

Life happens. People happen. People come and go. But you, well you are stuck with you.

So you might as well make the best of it, even if that means being selfish.

Even if it means spending time with a guy who can’t be available for you.

Even if it means turning down a family because you can not afford to work morning and night killing yourself to still have financial burdens.

Mental health, mental care, mindfulness, and health, in general, are more important than a job, a specific person, and money.

How are you supposed to work when you are broken?

How are you supposed to love if you haven’t even experience self-love?

How is someone supposed to love you?

How are you supposed to enjoy money, if you can’t even enjoy your own company?

However, these subsidies can act as a comfort blanket.

They can temporarily hide all the pain and all the sufferings. But the sufferings never leave. They are only forgotten until they are remembered. Lurking in the darkness. Until one day you become weak. Unable to hide anymore. The sufferings you so comfortably snuggled in you happy blanket, well they return.

The importance of stepping back

It’s important to step back. Listen to your body, listen to your heart. Understand that good will come out of your decisions eventually. Understand that this “good” will be infinitely longer than any blanket could ever last. Not only that but life will throw so many great things at you. You’ll be happy. You’ll begin to do things happy people do. You’ll begin to meet people and you’ll start to do things.

Life will begin to unfold. You will begin to love you, and the people in your life will love you even more.

Life is tough, but the battle is just the beginning. A war we can all fight. Till one day we gain our independence and reach self-fulfillment.

Be strong. Live well.

-Morgan

Thanks for reading.

Morgan SarkissianComment